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What is Codependency? These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to newcomers as they begin to understand codependency and may aid those who have been in recovery a while determining what traits still need attention and transformation. Denial Patterns: - I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
- I minimize, alter, or deny how I truly feel.
- I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.
Low Self Esteem Patterns: - I have difficulty making decisions.
- I judge everything I think, say, or do harshly, as never "good enough."
- I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
- I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
- I value other's approval of my thinking, feelings, and behaviors over my own.
- I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
Compliance Patterns: - I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
- I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
- I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
- I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am often afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
- I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
- I accept sex when I want love.
Control Patterns: - I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
- I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.
- I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
- I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
- I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
- I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
- I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.
Characteristics of Codependent People - We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. This in turn enabled us not to look too closely at our faults.
- We "stuff" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts too much.
- We are isolated from and afraid of people and authority figures.
- We have become approval seekers and have lost our identity in the process.
- We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
- We live from the viewpoint of victims and are attacked by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
- We judge ourselves harshly and have a low sense of self esteem.
- We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment. We will do anything to hold onto a relationship in order to not experience painful abandonment feelings which we received from living with people who were never there emotionally for us.
- We experience guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
- We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can pity and rescue.
- We have either become chemically dependent, married one or both, or found another compulsive personality, such a workaholic to fulfill our own compulsive needs.
- We have become addicted to excitement.
- We are reactors in life rather than actors.
Signs and Symptoms of Codependency Codependency involves a habitual system of thinking, feeling, and behaving toward ourselves and others that can cause pain. Codependent behaviors or habits are self-destructive. We frequently react to people who are destroying themselves; we react by learning to destroy ourselves. These habits can lead us into, or keep us in, destructive relationships that don't work. These behaviors can sabotage relationships that may otherwise have worked. These behaviors can prevent us from finding peace and happiness with the most important person in our lives... ourselves. These behaviors belong to the only person we can change.. ourselves. These are our problems. The following are characteristics of codependent persons: (We started to do these things out of necessity to protect ourselves and meet our needs.) CareTaking Codependents may: - Think and feel responsible for other people---for other people's feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being, and ultimate destiny.
- Feel anxiety, pity, and guilt when other people have a problem.
- Feel compelled - almost forced - to help that person solve the problem, such as offering unwanted advice, giving a rapid-fire series of suggestions, or fixing feelings.
- Feel angry when their help isn't effective.
- Anticipate other people's needs.
- Wonder why others don't do the same for them.
- Don't really want to be doing, doing more than their fair share of the work, and doing things other people are capable of doing for themselves.
- Not knowing what they want and need, or if they do, tell themselves what they want and need is not important.
- Try to please others instead of themselves.
- Find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others rather than injustices done to themselves.
- Feel safest when giving.
- Feel insecure and guilty when somebody gives to them.
- Feel sad because they spend their whole lives giving to other people and nobody gives to them.
- Find themselves attracted to needy people.
- Find needy people attracted to them.
- Feel bored, empty, and worthless if they don't have a crisis in their lives, a problem to solve, or someone to help.
- Abandon their routine to respond to or do something for somebody else.
- Overcommit themselves.
- Feel harried and pressured.
- Believe deep inside other people are somehow responsible for them.
- Blame others for the spot the codependents are in.
- Say other people make the codependents feel the way they do.
- Believe other people are making them crazy.
- Feel angry, victimized, unappreciated, and used.
- Find other people become impatient or angry with them for all of the preceding characteristics.
Low Self Worth Codependents tend to: - Come from troubled, repressed, or dysfunctional families.
- Deny their family was troubled, repressed or dysfunctional.
- Blame themselves for everything.
- Pick on themselves for everything, including the way they think, feel, look, act, and behave.
- Get angry, defensive, self-righteous, and indigent when others blame and criticize the codependents -- something codependents regularly do to themselves.
- Reject compliments or praise.
- Get depressed from a lack of compliments and praise (stroke deprivation).
- Feel different from the rest of the world.
- Think they're not quite good enough.
- Feel guilty about spending money on themselves or doing unnecessary or fun things for themselves.
- Fear rejection.
- Take things personally.
- Have been victims of sexual, physical, or emotional abuse,neglect, abandonment, or alcoholism.
- Feel like victims.
- Tell themselves they can't do anything right.
- Be afraid of making mistakes.
- Wonder why they have a tough time making decisions.
- Have a lot of "shoulds".
- Feel a lot of guilt.
- Feel ashamed of who they are.
- Think their lives are not worth living.
- Try to help other people live their lives instead.
- Get artificial feelings of self-worth from helping others.
- Get strong feelings of low self-worth - embarrassment, failure, etc...from other people's failures and problems.
- Wish good things would happen to them.
- Believe good things never will happen.
- Believe they don't deserve good things and happiness.
- Wish others would like and love them.
- Believe other people couldn't possibly like and love them.
- Try to prove they're good enough for other people.
- Settle for being needed.
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