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Learn to say no

Do you have difficulty articulating this small word firmly, and do you recover trapped often? A little courage, make the other know your refusal clearly to comply. It learns itself!

Your boss asks you to remain later tonight, your child wants to take for the third time this week, your brother wants to borrow from you 10 000 francs. Don't you agree? Say it! Too often, we yield to the pressures and let's release a with regret "yes", merely because we are afraid of the consequences of our refusal.

To "express his disagreement obliges us to be active, to throw into question the established order, explain Marie Haddou, psychologist clinician and author to "Know how to say no." To say no, it accept to explain themselves then, to negotiate with the other. It expose themselves also to critiques, to spites, to pass for a heartless, a pest. This fear to be judged badly reinforces the state of dependence in which we are opposite the other. It is yet indispensable if one wants to affirm his personality and to be indeed oneself.

There is six advice to put in practice for more to make themselves" have":

1 - culpabilisez not

Not easy to affirm themselves without passing for a person with a dirty character. To get a "yes" of your part, all your claimants, near (family, friends) or distant (tradesmen, boss.) are going to tempt you culpabiliser. Stop! Don't let influence you: your refusal must not question you again. Don't especially yield to the blackmail, notably emotional.

2 - you don't hurl down

Take your time to weigh pros and cons and to give your answer. even, or especially, if you feel that one is urgent you to get more quickly and more easily your agreement. Do never hesitate to ask for a delay of reflection "I am going to think" there.

3 - prepare yourselves

To oppose a refusal is always source of anxiety: learn to manage this one, especially while becoming aware of the negative automatic thoughts that your will of refusal generates. Replace your interior monologues ("that always falls on me", "I am not very nice") by realistic thoughts ("I have the right to express my opinions"). Manufacture yourselves of the already made expressions that you will only have to come out of your pocket: "I am sincerely distressed, but my answer is no" or "I regret indeed, but I prefer to abstain."

4 - are a tactician

Don't attack your interlocutor: prefer the "me" ("I cannot be suitable of money") to the you ("you never have a cent"). Adopt techniques known of the psychologists, for example the one so-called "of the striped disk." She/it consists in repeating without discontinuing your opinion, whatever is your interlocutor's objections, until he hears them "I am distressed but I have an appointment" or "this piece of furniture pleases me but I don't have the means" of it. Other technique, the screen of fog consists in appearing to accept the critiques without abandoning your point of view: "I know, it is not very kind of my part but I cannot help you this weekend." These two particularly discouraging attitudes for your "claimant" should make release takes him quickly. There again, drag yourselves!

5 - find a solution of substitution:

The method of the "no, but". permits you to get round the difficulty. Explain to your brother "I understand your financial worries, but I cannot help you at the moment. Why don't you ask for an advance your boss? "Explain to your parents "I know that you counted on us for Christmas but we foresaw to go to the mountain. On the other hand, we can meet the first weekend of January". You show as well as you thought indeed about the demand and no one will be able to blame you for your neglect.

6 - don't abuse some

Don't refuse anything by mind of contradiction, because you are irritated, tense, or because you learned the lesson too well! Be also careful to not to oppose any aggressive or clumsy refusals, you would pass quickly little for a person nice! The non must be used to good knowledge to encourage authentic exchanges. The contradictions, the disagreements and the possible agreements permit a true communication, an exchange. In fact, to know how to say no permits to really know how to say "yes!"

2009-08-06