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When I was a young kid, a half-century ago, being an only child carried a stigma. In the early sixties, the vast majority of all children had at least one sibling (if not more) and lived with both parents, one of whom was typically a stay-at-home mom. The only child was rumored to be selfish, lonely and maladjusted. ('An only child is a lonely child,' the expression goes.)
Things have changed. We now live in a world where only children with single parents are both commonplace and accepted. And children are likely to spend much of their formative years with artificial family units at daycare, rather than with blood relatives. Still, I worry whether my own son, who is an only child, might be missing out on something.
As we've discussed before, deciding whether to have 'one and be done' or to have multiple children is a tough decision for many families. (Of course, for some parents, having just one child is not by choice, but by chance.) Parents must weigh their own situations─finances, careers, child care, energy levels, fertility troubles, difficult pregnancies or post-partum experiences-as well as their child's social development.
I grew up with four siblings, so my own social development was greatly influenced by observation and imitation of them. Now I'm a divorced dad with weekend custody of my four-year old son. My ex-wife and I separated soon after he was born, so there are no other children on the horizon. Regardless of the change in social norms, I still am concerned about my son's social experiences as an only child. (There is an unintended upside: At least he will never have to deal with sibling rivalry.)
I've tried to compensate through friends, school and extended family. I've been proactive about setting up play-dates with friends from work who have toddlers. My son also attends a Montessori school, where the philosophy dictates that children are grouped together in clusters of kids up to three years apart. Kids are mentored by their near-peers, who function almost like siblings five days a week, in addition to instruction by their teachers.
And I've tried to turn to family, since extended relatives can perform the function of surrogate brothers and sisters. Unfortunately, all of my son's relatives live thousands of miles away. But on the few occasions when he has been able to meet up with them, he was delighted with the opportunity to play with his new 'friends'. (In fact, upon first meeting them, he was so caught up playing with his cousins that he skipped dinner.)
Readers, how large is your family now and the family you grew up with? Did siblings play an important part in your life? If you have an only child, was this by choice or chance? Have you noticed any differences between the only children and the kids with siblings that you know? 2009-08-24
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