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When a perfectionist has a baby, things can fall apart very quickly.
As an editor here at the Journal I could skillfully edit a complex finance story, calm a testy reporter, put out a graphics fire and give an intern advice, all at the same time, and all while maintaining my composure. So when my husband and I found out we were expecting a baby, I thought, compared to my work life, how hard could it be to keep a tiny human fed, warm and clean?
As it turned out, some of the personality traits that made me good at my job were also psychological risk factors for postpartum depression, or PPD. I was a classic Type-A, perfectionist control freak. Great for editing, not so great for childrearing.
Soon after my daughter was born last fall I fell into a PPD. I was lucky to have a terrific husband and obstetrician who recognized it right away (my bursting into tears as soon as my doctor walked into the exam room was one clue), even when I insisted it was just baby blues and lack of sleep that was causing my mood swings and lack of interest in anything except caring for the baby.
At work I'm known as the 'den mother' (although I prefer the less matronly-seeming 'cruise director') because I'm always planning social gatherings and taking care of the new hires and interns. But after we brought the baby home I felt something in me change. I didn't come to the phone or invite friends and family over to see the baby. Almost like clockwork, every night at 9 p.m. the day would overwhelm me and I'd have to go and have a good cry. With medication and therapy I started feeling better after a few months. And then I began to plan for my return to work.
Working Mother magazine last year published an article about working moms and depression. It reported that one in five women in the workplace will experience depression in her lifetime, according to Mental Health America. And about 15% of new mothers succumb to PPD, according to the National Alliance on Mental Illness. Often moms who are well on the mend will have a relapse upon returning to work, or a 'post-postpartum depression.' And sometimes a PPD won't even surface until her return to work.
The idea of going back to work and juggling a career, baby, friends, family, and on top of that a health concern, became a deep source of stress for me. For one, I couldn't imagine being away from my daughter, who was eight months old when I returned to work, for hours at a time.
I also struggled with what and how much to tell my co-workers and managers about my PPD. I worried that if I said too much I'd seem unprofessional, like I was blubbering about my personal problems, and it might open the door to questions about how I would be able to handle my job. PPD is widely misunderstood and I didn't want my cube neighbors to be worried that I was going to break down on the job, throwing myself out of the window shouting 'Pacifier! Where's the pacifier! Aaaaaaaaack!' Also, I didn't want my managers to go light on me because they were worried that I'd crack.
So far, well up until this is published anyway, I've only told a few people at work about my PPD. Most of my co-workers were very sympathetic and supportive, although some seemed uncomfortable and quickly changed the subject. I've been back at work for a couple of months now and am really enjoying the business of journalism again and engaging in professional life. After this life-changing event I feel like I'm even better than I was before I had the PPD, both at work and at home.
Readers, have you struggled with postpartum depression or other mental-health issues at work? How did you handle it? Were you open with your co-workers and superiors, or did you keep it to yourself? How have your colleagues reacted? 2009-09-08
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